Things will be great (or at least better) in 2008!

So, here's to a new year. It's not my favorite holiday, or one that I even really celebrate, but I do hope it's better for me, Nicholas, and Christopher, than last year was. Happy New Year!

OK, Here's the Real Scoop

Christmas wasn't all that great this year. I knew it wouldn't be, I expected Nicholas would have some difficulties. I just wasn't expecting Mr. "I don't want the kids on any holidays" to bring them home at 6:30. I also didn't expect him to keep all of Nicholas' favorite toys at his house so we would have to drive over there and get them. The toys were on the porch. On Christmas day. Jason was inside the house, pretending not to be home. I think that sums it up.

Interesting

Jason may be bringing those boys home sooner than I expected. It sounds like he has had enough. I could hear Nicholas screaming in the background and Christopher talking away a mile a minute. That's a nice present for me, the boys home early! Merry Christmas everyone and enjoy!

The First Overnight

Christopher is spending his first night at Jason's tonight. I have only called twice to check on him and he said that everything is fine. It was horrible getting use to Nichlas sleeping there and I still don't really like it. It is even worse knowing that poor Christopher is there. At least Nicholas can say what he is feeling and what he wants. He has no problem telling Jason what to do and when he's not happy. Poor Christopher can't talk and doesn't really know anyone over there. To top it all off, Jason is dragging them over to his mother's tomorrow for dinner. The man who doesn't want to have holidays with the children doesn't know what time he's bringing them back tomorrow. He hasn't ever spent a holiday with his mother in the 11 years we spent together. My poor kids are being exposed to god only knows what.

Make up your mind buddy

So, yesterday, his highness decides that he is not picking Christopher up on Saturday because he wants to spend the day with just Nicholas. As if I am stupid enough to believe that Jessica, Michael, and Isabella won't be there. He feels that having Christopher on Sunday, overnight Sunday for the first time and then part of Monday, is sufficient. Such a great dad, the same great dad who tried to get out of taking him when he was sick. I keep my mouth shut, say OK, and go on my merry way. Then today he announces that, yes, he is going to pick up Christopher tomorrow. Silly me, I ask why. He is planning to take Christopher to get his picture taken tomorrow. What I want to say is, really, so you think having a first birthday party and getting his picture taken means being a real dad? Instead I say, OK, see you tomorrow. The only satisfaction I feel is knowing that Christopher has a bump and bruise on his forehead and the pictures won't be any good. This makes me almost as good as when I did not sign up for retakes of Nicholas school picture. His school picture was terrible and Jason spent $50 on a package. That felt really good.

The Last Comment

The last thing I am going to say about the whole Jewish not Jewish thing is that I said something to Mr. Joey about what I really think about it. His reply was to laugh and say that no one has ever said anything to him about it other than they respect his opinion. Seriously. That's what he said. Anyway . . . moving on to something else . . .

A Lucky Girl

I am so very lucky to have such wonderful friends all around me. We had a great time at the Attention Home wrapping party this weekend. I really missed it and all the people that are involved. Sean and Tracey are the best hosts and Nicholas thinks their son Matty is the greatest thing since sliced bread. I also had a little Christmas cheer from two friends in the form of Toys R Us gift certificates to spend on the boys. I guess we must have some angels watching over us! I really am grateful for all my friends and family, I just don't know what we would do without everyone watching over us and helping us.

Seriously

So, words that I never thought I would hear in the year 2007 were spoken just the other day. Turns out that Max's dad, Joey, the one we went to the hockey game with, does not "seriously" date women who aren't Jewish. What?! Not that I am looking for any serious dating, but who says that out loud? Is this an example of what's out there? What I have to look forward to? Do I have to go to the Catholic singles functions to find my own kind?? Hmmmmm . . . .

A Nice Night Out with the Girls

Last night was our Mom's Night Out Christmas celebration. We decided to do a Chinese gift exchange with cookbooks. We laughed so hard and had so much fun. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful group of friends. Thanks girls!

The Hockey Game

Nicholas and I were invited to the Lightning game last night by our friends Joey and Max. I do not consider it a date but apparently everyone else does. We met at the game, the kids played on the activities outside for a little while, not even on the same one, and then in we went. After like two minutes both boys decided they were hungry so Joey went to get them some food. Max cracked me up the whole time he was gone, getting upset when a penalty wasn't called, he was even throwing his hands up in the air! We watched the game and then after the second period Nicholas was tired and ready to go. I really don't think it was a date, the divorce isn't even final yet plus the kids were there. It was lots of fun though!

Looking Forward to Thanksgiving

In just a few days, the kids and I will be off to my parents' house for our Thanksgiving celebration. Nicholas is beside himself since we haven't been there in over a year. Christopher will be a year and this is his first time. I am excited because it's a chance for me to lay on the couch, sleep in, and watch TV, while the kids are occupied by Nana, Poppy, and Uncle Markie! I'll even have a break from Alli because she'll be in the kennel! This year I am very thankful for all of my friends but especially Kristyn, Patty and Rhonda because they take kids for me at the drop of hat, which is when my appointments pop up, and for Lori for listening and keeping me busy on the weekends! I am also thankful for my family - my mom who comes here constantly, even when we just have the sniffles, my dad who gives her up for us, my brother who watches the kids and does everything I tell him to around the house, my Aunt Wendy for calling me everyday to make sure I'm OK and for flying down here to see with her own eyes how we are all really doing, Grammie for checking on me all the time by reading my blogs and emailing me, Melonie and Heather for coming down here to help and calling me to make sure things are good with me and the boys, and Aunt Missy for calling to make sure things are OK and to see if I need anything. I am sure I have left someone out, I am just really thankful for all of the support, prayers and love that surround the boys and I each and every day as we go through this. I love all of you!

Sunday Night

The kids came back in one piece again. Except I don't know if Nicholas' little heart is still in one piece or if it ever will be again. He cried and cried for his dad tonight, the first time in a long time. He just kept crying and then called Jason and begged him to come back. Jason thinks he wants him to come back and get him but what he really means is come back. When they hung up, Nicholas started to cry again. He wanted to know why his daddy can't just come back and live with us and why it has to be so hard. I know why daddy can't come back to live with us but I can't explain that to a four year old. Especially a four year old who worships his dad. It's nights like tonight where I wish the same thing, a chance to go back and change it all and make it right for him.

The Latest

So now we are sick. Luckily, Nicholas is not, but I have a sinus infection, bronchitis, and an ear infection. Christopher has a double ear infection and needs to use his breathing machine because he is coughing and congested. I feel like such a complainer. Let's look at the positive things for a moment. Christopher is turning one so very soon, his birthday party will be at Gymboree. Nicholas is really enjoying school now, he even looks forward to it. I have a great new car, the kind I always wanted but never was able to pick out. There, I need to look at the bright side a little more, I already feel more cheery!

Parent Coordinator Meeting

Not that much fun of a time. Someone was not very polite and does not know the truth if it hit him between the eyes. Enough said.

The Week Ahead

This week brings a session with the Parent Coordinator, hopefully Jason will show this time, a session with Nicholas' therapist and a meeting with the lawyer. On top of that we have skating, spanish, gymboree, and Aunt Wendy is coming for a visit this weekend. Thank goodness the weeks are so busy, they just fly by and keep us busy. I wonder what else will pop up . . .

Dinner Conversation

Nicholas, Christopher and I went to 4:00 Mass yesterday and then Nicholas wanted to go to Steak N Shake for dinner. He didn't just want take out, he wanted to go inside and eat together. We were having a great time, joking, feeding the baby, when Nicholas' eyes teared up and he laid his head down on the table. I asked what was wrong and he said "I'm sad about you and dad. Let's talk about it." "OK, what do you want to say?" "No you talk, talk about it mom." "Well, mommy and daddy aren't going to be married anymore but you can call daddy anytime and go and visit." "Remember when last week and last week and last week daddy didn't come to pick me up but he was supposed to?" "Yes, I remember." "Well, when daddy didn't come last week and last week you yelled at him for not coming to get me right?" "Um, yes, I guess I did." "So you yelled at dad for not coming to get me when he was suppose to come and get me, I heard you, right?" "Did you hear me?" "Yes, I heard you." "Finish your chicken, OK, do you feel better now?" "Yes, I do. What can we have dessert while we have a pajama party tonight?"

The Saddest Story

Every night Nicholas and I tell each other a story before he falls asleep. Tonight he called Jason to say goodnight and they told each other a story. Nicholas' story went like this - "Once upon a time King Daddy, Queen Mommy, Queen Nicholas and Queen Baby were all together. They had fun and lived happily ever after." Jason had no idea what to say, I could hear the silence. Nicholas quickly said goodnight and handed me the phone. My poor baby.

The Next Day

I hate the next day when Nicholas stays at Jason. I know I am doing lots of complaining lately but I am just so tired of all of this. Poor Nicholas is overtired, cranky, and does not want to talk about what happened over at dad's. That is just not a good sign if you ask me. What is the deal?

My Baby

I called Nicholas tonight to say goodnight as I was leaving a Pampered Chef Party. When Jason put him on the phone he was hysterically crying. I asked what was the matter and he said that he needed me. I said that I was on the phone with him and I would be going with him to the Pumpkin Patch tomorrow and that it's OK. He kept crying and Jason told him to say goodnight and I love you. What kind of a heartless man acts like his son's feelings aren't important? Maybe it drives him crazy that Nicholas wants me but he shouldn't make him get off the phone with me. This whole thing is just so aggravating, I want my baby here with me at night!

Update

This morning Nicholas asked if he could wear the necklace that was supposed to be for Jessica and if I could wear the earrings. A huge sigh of relief followed and now the horribleness of giving it Jessica is being avoided. Maybe there is a high power looking out for me, possibly God is a woman? or maybe just feeling sorry for me?

Okaaay

We are in the gift shop at Zoo Boo and Nicholas is looking through these pumpkins that hold earring and a necklace with different Halloween things on them. He finally asks me if he can get one. I told him no, that they are for girls and he said OK. We went outside to wait everyone to come out of the Haunted House and he seemed sad. I asked what was the matter and he said that he wanted to get one of those pumpkins for someone. I asked him who and he said Jessica. Well, what on earth am I supposed to say to that? No you can't get your dad's fiance something? So I said OK, let's go pick one out. He picked one and we bought it and he'll give it to her on his visit on Wednesday. What an awkward situation that was. What a horrible position for me to be in - my child is sweet and wants to do something nice yet I can't stand the person he likes - oh my, I guess this is just the beginning of the fun to come. I think I handled it the right way but I just don't ever know what the right way is lately. I guess I just follow my instincts and see and what happens!

Conversation

Sometimes it's nice to have conversations with the opposite sex. I forget what male opinions are like because all my friends are female and most of the time my talking is done with myself. I think getting to know some new people of the male variety might be nice, strange, but nice.

I Survived

This was the first weekend Jason has taken Christopher since Father's Day. He took him all day yesterday and almost all day today. The kids came back in one piece and Christopher and doesn't seem traumatized. He's was very clingy at first and is already in bed but seems to be just fine. I am still recovering and wondering what it's going to be like when he spends the night. I do hear that it's worse for the mother than the child so I hope it's true. The kids seem to be adjusting, it's just me that's still working on it.

Rings

Some rings should not be worn by some people. It's just not right or classy. It's just not - I can't even find the words for what is wrong with certain rings worn at certain times.

New Tradition

I think Nicholas may have started a new tradition for us. I have Halloween pajama bottoms and when he saw them this year he had to have a pair of Halloween pj's, too. Then he decided that Christopher needed them, too. So now we all have Halloween pj's. I guess every year I'll be hunting for them because we look pretty good in them! My mom even took pictures and I must say we are looking good!

February

I always knew there was a reason why February was my favorite month. Now it will be my favorite for three reasons - Valentine's Day, my birthday, and D-day will now probably fall into that month. It really is such a great month.

It's just not time yet

I consulted with Dr. Mel today, my cousin who is a physicians assitant, and she agrees that it's just not the right time. I was trying to stop taking the antidepressants but it's just not working out so well for me. Between Brian going into surgery tomorrow and thinking about all of them, the not so fun stuff that continuously goes on for me and the kids, Christopher's ear infection, new car insurance, and court tomorrow, I guess I need to just stay on it until this is over and things really calm down. I guess I just have to admit to myself that it's OK to have that little extra help to get through. It's just not that easy, though.

What does 10 years mean these days?

After sharing ten years with a person, two children, two dogs, and three different houses, how is it possible for that person to still shock you? It has actually been 18 years since we first met and I still can't believe that the things that happen actually happen. How about a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T for a change?

Reality Check

I think that a 23 year old being diagnosed with cancer in his esophagas puts my life into perspective. How can a 23 year old who never smoked and whose parents never smoked have such a serious form of cancer at so young an age? It really makes you questions why and how are these things decided. He is the last person who deserves this and the last I would expect to have it. Also, why does the appointment with the specialist have to be on September 11th? Could there be a worse day to receive what could be even more bad news? My thoughts and prayers are with all of you - hang in there.

Oh Dad . . .

Yesterday we took Nicholas fishing - we being Auntie Flippy, my Dad, brother, Steven and Andrew. Nicholas was so excited about catching the fish he was almost crying. He was jumping up and down, shouting, it was the greatest thing to see him so happy. I helped him cast and reel the fish in and even baited his hook and took the seaweed off when it was all gloppy. He caught the most fish with his Spiderman pole - something everyone noticed - they wished they had Spiderman poles too! When we came home my dad patted me on back and said "Your a good mom, I am impressed with how you helped Nicholas and even baited his hook. Remember when you were little and you only cast, I had to bait the hook, take the seaweed off and reel in the fish?"

A Truly Great Day This Time

Maybe, just maybe, my lawyers aren't so bad after all. I believe we made quite an impression today.

Just another great day . . .

Who invented lawyers?

Today's Information

1. I don't like you mom, I don't like you.
2. Vermont is not in Connecticut, no one should pretend that it is or a use a dying person as an excuse for something.
3. Being a rule follower had better pay off in the long run, or there is going to be h - e - double hockey sticks to pay in the end, buddy.

My Mom

I truly thank God for my mom. She lives four hours away but is here in what seems like an instant when we need her. Not only did she come and stay here when Jason first left, cleaning, cooking, listening to me cry, taking care of the kids, shopping, doing laundry, but she also got up with the baby all night long the entire time she was here so I could sleep. I have not heard of many moms, if any, that are willing to do that. It made such a difference during that time to have that little bit extra sleep and all that help. She has also come over twice now when the kids and I have had the stomach flu all at the same time. This last time I was trying to be tough and get through but I think the sound of Christopher pitifully crying in the background broke her heart. She even caught it and had to stay here an extra day because she couldn't drive home. She is truly an amazing mom and nana and I just don't know how I would get through this without her! I love you mom!

Avoiding a Disaster

Today I went to the movies and stumbled upon Jason and Nicholas. The two of them were just standing there so I asked why. Jason said that they were there to see the Simpsons but Nicholas wouldn't stay in there so they kept going in and out. He also said that they were waiting for Isabella and her mom to come out. Since I have not seen Jason with her yet I decided to leave as quickly as I could. I kissed poor Nicholas, who didn't seem to know what to make of the awkward situation, and I bolted out the door. I am just not ready to see that, I wonder when I will be.

Some of my Favorite Things

1. When Christopher is crying and he leans into me for comfort.
2. When Nicholas kisses my cheek, puts his little arms around my neck and says, "I love you, mama."
3. When Christopher gets so excited to see Nicholas that his arms are flapping and he falls backwards.
4. When Nicholas says to Christopher, "It's OK, It's OK, I'm right here."

Another Triumph

We survived our trip to CT to visit the family. Even though the kids and I were stuck in airports from 10:00 am to 5:30 pm with lost luggage and a lost stroller, there was not a tantrum or a peep of crying. I am so impressed with my amazing children. I thought for sure after a cancelled direct flight and then being switched to a connecting flight through Ohio there was going to be big trouble but those boys are travelers! They enjoyed every minute of our vacation. We went to Forest Park, Friendly's, Evergreen Walk (a wonderful outdoor mall), out to lunch, and on a road trip to visit Grampie. My little guys were so good the entire time we were gone. I am just so proud of them!

Bugs

Not my favorite topic. There was the biggest horse fly I have ever seen in my entire life on our patio. Even Alli, our dog who is not that bright, would not go near it. I gathered all my courage and my flip flop and wacked that bug with all my might. That gross thing was dead instantly and Nicholas thought I was a hero! Eww, do I hate bugs!

July 4th

It was a little awkward being semi-single or whatever you would call me at this stage. There were other single people there, it was just odd I guess since it was my first time. It didn't take long for me to stop thinking about it, though. I was around good friends and family so I'm sure I am making a bigger deal out of it then I should. Just like everything else, I'm sure each time will get easier.

Sigh

How I hate walking by Nicholas' dark room when he's at Jason's house. I just hate not having my little guy here to check up on. I wake up in the middle night thinking I hear his little feet running to my room. I miss his little voice asking if I can lay with him and scratch his back while he falls asleep. I really miss him.

Another Fantastic First

I took both of the kids to the beach with our friends Kristyn and Bash last week. It was such a beautiful day and I had forgotten how calming the beach is for me. The kids rode a surf board for the first time and they were thrilled. Kristyn's brother was really patient with the kids and it meant a lot to Nicholas. Christopher was so good, I am continuously amazed at what a great baby he is. He just hung out on the blanket, played with his toys, watched the boys play, and splashed in the water. I am going to take myself on a trip to the beach when this mess is over to mark my new beginning.

Hmmm

I guess some topics are just never going to be easy to discuss but I must be the hero not the zero.

Interesting Things I Learned Today

1. 50% of first marriages fail, 80% of second marriages fail.
2. Women get remarried in five or more years, men get remarried in one year or less.
3. Art therapy is admissable in court.
4. Be a hero not a zero to your kids, when they are old enough they will remember who was what during the divorce.
5. Whatever age an addict begins using their drug of choice, that's the age they will remain mentally and emotionally no matter what their chronological age is.

A Perfect Moment

There was a huge thunderstorm tonight that woke up the baby. So I ran upstairs to check on him and ended up rocking him. Nicholas came up the stairs with a huge bag of chips and a blanket. He camped out on the floor. Then our dog, Alli, came in and picked out a spot next to Nicholas. All of a sudden there was a huge boom and Nicholas jumped into my lap next to the baby and Alli crawled underneath my legs inbetween the footstool and rocker. The four of us sat there like that until the storm quieted down. I wish I could have frozen us in that moment, it was over all too quickly.

Are you kidding me?

I thought I hired all these people and paid all this money so THEY could do all this paperwork!

The Results

Well, there were no middle of the night phone calls last night so either Nicholas was good or Jason sucked it up and dealt with it, not admitting to a thing this morning. All he had to say was that Nicholas was fine for him. The only problem was that he did put a pull up on Nicholas so he wet the bed and Jason had to change the sheets at 3 am. At least that's something, although I don't really believe that things were as easy as he said.

What Was I Thinking

I shoud have known when Jason was so agreeable to taking Nicholas tonight, so that I could go to dinner with my friends, that I was asking for trouble. I called him to say that I was on my way home around 9:30 and he said that it was time for Nicholas to go to bed so he's just going to keep him at his house. So, tonight is Nicholas' first night at Jason's house. I told Jason he could call me anytime to bring him home if he needed to, his response was that Nicholas will be just fine. We shall see. . . .

Success

Today I successfully took my two children to the Zoo. It was our first "Field Trip," just the three, of us since Jason left. I have to say that I am very proud of myself. I was a little nervous at first, not sure how two kids at the zoo would be. Our only adventures so far have been to Walmart, Publix and the mall. I just let Nicholas be our guide and followed his lead. Christopher is just the best baby and did not even cry once. We even had lunch at the zoo to my amazement. My plan was to get out of there before Nicholas was hungry, but we were having such a great time I just went with it. We ordered a hot dog and chicken nuggets, I ate with one hand and fed Christopher with the other. Nicholas ate and then watched the diver in the manatee tank while we finished. I can't believe how patient he was while Christopher finishd his bottle and I packed everything back up. We are going to be just fine, maybe next we'll try Gatorland!